“I’m fine.”, I said as I swallowed my guilt. I didn’t like lying, but to not make my best friend worry about me was more important then. The truth is, I wasn’t fine. I was an emotional wreck that sucked away other people’s happiness with my misery. I was toxic. Meredith, my best friend, was, and still is, the most caring, and down to earth person I have ever crossed paths with. It still confuses me as to why she puts up with me, because the fact is, I don’t deserve all the unconditional love and support she blesses me with.
“Are you sure? I can stay for a while longer if you want me to.”
She said in her soothing voice. But I lied again. The words “I’m fine” just poured out of my mouth because I had said it enough times for it to become an instinct. She then gave me a big, warm hug, sighed with relief and left, closing the door behind her. As I walked across the lounge to my room, I lost it. Tears streamed down my cheeks and my eyes swoll up. I was breaking down. I was glad she left because I couldn’t have her worry about me anymore. I felt like a burden, and with me around, Meredith could never display her happiness, she just put it aside and worried about me.
I didn’t know what was happening to me. I could feel my lungs not getting enough air and the chills i felt down my spine now burned. I was losing control over my limbs and now my reddening, puffy eyes couldn’t stay open for much longer. I knew exactly what I had to do – pull out my inhaler from my back pocket and take a few dozes of prescribed medicine that was right next to me.
“I’m fine.” I lied again, but this time to myself, and threw my inhaler against the wall. Slowly, I watched as my vision blacked out and I lost consciousness.
I remember waking up, hours later, to see Meredith crying and panicked than I would’ve ever imagined her being. I could see the disappointment in her eyes when they met with mine. She wasn’t worried this time, she was downright angry. She told me that she’d never felt more betrayed, because I lied to her, and that even though I thought that I was only hurting myself by being so foolish, I actually pained her more. “God knows you would’ve been dead if I hadn’t come to check up on you.” Her saying that, did something to me. I felt those words pierce my chest – if that makes sense. But as angry as she was, she was just as forgiving and bemt down to give me a hug.
The most impactful thing about the entire incident was that I learnt that by lying, not only did I almost reach my deathbed, but I hurt the person that mattered the most to me, and if that isn’t the worst thing you can do to someone, I don’t know what is. Also, I learnt that lying to yourself can have very detrimental consequences.