‘Journey to Self’ by Shehryar Mir

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I woke up to the desire to never wake up. I forced myself up and threw myself around in my vicinity till tears flowed down my cheeks.

Days went on like this. I tried to realise that I had no control over people and what they can say that can hurt me but my mind could not settle upon that fact. I had spent all my life being someone I was never meant to be, but rather became the person everyone expected me to be. I had no control over what side I would tilt on at times. I felt as if my mind could conjure up thoughts on itself.

Wherever I went I felt as if a “depressed” sign was resting on my forehead. I felt a thousand pairs of eyes dart towards that sign. I felt like a misplaced creature that was never meant to be here. What is the point of living when you know you have no purpose?

I had realised that I had lost myself a long time ago. And, now, ever since then, I had been in this perpetual war with myself. I felt as though I was losing the whole time, but I kept going.

Things of my past haunted me and I spent most of my time crying. I wrote songs only I could understand and made paintings, which could only be comprehended by me.

I never knew that I could ever lose myself for someone else. People tried to help, telling me that there were tonnes of fish in the water, but I could not force my mind to understand.

I knew I had to find what I had lost ten years ago — myself.

I threw things around my dwelling till they broke. I liked to just sit on the floor in the corner of any room and cry till I lost my voice. I loved playing with blades and knives. I loved the feeling of hallucinating. I loved the energy inside me when the liqueur entered me. But I never loved myself.

I realized that I got what I wanted but not what I needed. There was a hurdle between peace and me. And that was a perpetual dread called “life”.

I became a perplexing person no one could know of.  I just hustled about and stayed awake at night by my nightmares. Now, I got addicted to the biggest drug in the world — sadness.

The truth always felt like swallowing sand. I could not find any way through this. My insides churned up like a blender. My eyes would get teary as I would wake up to those perilous dreams that reminded me of my past and realised me of my present. I slowly felt as if my connection with the outside world broke and I was on the last thread of survival.

I made mistakes, and now I felt like I was trapped in those consequences. My beautiful sunny days turned into draughty nightmares through which I could not find my way out.

 

One day, I can perfectly picture, that the rain came down on me. And, the water filled my lungs and I silently screamed, but no one was there.

I screamed and thrashed and cried, but you never showed up.

I had left myself scarred by your glass, and now am removing the shards out of myself.

Through months and months of my life hanging down a thread, finally I saw the colours around me and had forgotten about the draughts and the floods you caused. I thank my family for helping me keep my head above the water, even when I felt as if the tides would take me in.

I am on a journey to find myself.

 

 

About froebelianwriters

I am an English Language teacher teaching O'Levels Edexcel and CIE A Levels at Froebel's International School, Islamabad. I am also working as a Subject Specialist Literacy consultant for the same school. Writing and reading has always been a passion and I try my utmost to instill these habits and hobbies in my students as well. I can be reached/contacted at fabbas227@hotmail.com or 03365287335 Happy reading!

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